Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1
withers away @ 10:38 pm
m'sian relatives were out for the past few days, making us all very busy people. suddenly the house became very packed with nearly 10 people all talking at the same time. just that it's kinda difficult when u need to get bus and mrt tickets for all of them. had lots of good food these days. but when everyone is eating, i even need to wheel out my own swivel chair from my room before we have enough chairs. on the last night i was with them, brought them around the airport and merlion and lau pa sat (for satay). i was so freaking tired by the time i reached home.
oh the little one is so super cute! he's v good at making poses when his photos are taken. but he's v spoilt. yet v smart. 真是拿他没办法。
外甥启仲
withers away @ 10:12 pm
classes go by. interesting knowledge acquired with each class. totally cool with the content and tutors. but people? no no. proj grps? no no. i would say, not yet. i hope. we're all nice people, but can we not be just nice strangers to talk when needed? progress ongoing just that it's slow when u only see them once a week. not dreading classes (yet, and i hope never to have to), actually still okay with it. no i dun believe the whole year's going to be like this. we'll make it, one way or another.
but basically, i'm glad i'm going into something i really like.
naturally became more interested in new directions regarding this field, or basically any news pertaining to it since a few years back.
lead. care. inspire.
ok. makes sense. in line with what i think also. good.
oh and i finally get to see this cute little thing since his 1st mth. oh cutie cutie cuteee. 俊熙 saves the day yahoo! :D.jpg)
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withers away @ 11:59 pm
I've been thinking of doing this ever since I knew that I wouldn't be doing my Honours. In fact I've been working on this for months already. This is a really really REALLY long post for recording sake, for myself. You've been warned. (On hindsight, anyone who can stand reading this to the end is crazy. So take my advice and DON'T TRY.)
I've graduated, I've returned my matriculation card, and this officially marks the end of my student life, and also the beginning of my stepping into a whole new world that I admit I don't really like because I'm apprehensive about it. Basically, I'm now in between the two sides. I love being a student, because you can slack so much more as your responsibilities are so much fewer. And university being the last of my 20 years of studying, I guess it deserves some kind of mention and reflection. What's more, I know I've become an adult in some sense (and not in that teenager's indignant "I've already grown up!" sense). According to Psychology, personality develops the most during young adulthood, not adolescence. I agree. Because I just experienced it. So much happened; so much changed. If I were to plot my life into a graph, it would be undulating with fluctuations of relatively small amplitudes before these "young adulthood" days, with a major surge and several plunges with magnitudes unimaginable later.
It was my sixth time moving out, and the difference is, I won't be moving in anymore. 从一开始，我就知道它会很快结束。现在，真的结束了，尽管不是很想。打开第一页，细细回味……
Truth is, I never wanted to stay in hall. I know we are STRONGLY ENCOURAGED to stay, but I never saw the pragmatics of those two words. When it was spelt out blatantly, I went into a frenzy since it was less than two days away from the hall application deadline and I was going to go M'sia the next day. Trusting Cyn, I put down the exact same choices she did and had Dad drive down to the hall office to pay for the application fee the next day. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into, not even how it looks like, how to get there, or simply, what it is.
Now I think I see why they put that clause in the contract.
About AY06/07 in Block C
SHY (Sheares Hall Why)
Before we checked in, we were supposed to attend SHY. I didn't know what it was for really. I remember getting lost in NUS. I ended up at the Science bus stop, which is totally off. I stared at the map for really long before deciding which shuttle bus to take, and finally I did reach hall in one piece, though late. I was told to wear black, and Cyn to wear blue, but we didn't know what it meant. It was only on that day that we knew it meant that we were in different blocks. Knowing no one, I was completely lost. We played the usual icebreakers, and I think I was introduced to other random games too.
It was not without any reward though. I made my first friend - Chui Fen. We exchanged numbers, and she brought me to the Rag area to help out. Frankly, I didn't really know what it was for, or what it meant. I just, wanted to try to be a friend. Then I talked to my first senior (save the introduction session during icebreakers) - Kaiyuan. I remember thinking that it was weird that his nickname is toad. He served to be really helpful eventually. Lovely senior.
Checking in
I cannot remember much of it anymore. I only know that I missed out a whole lot of things to bring there. I tried to be friendly. I mean, everyone starts off with a clean slate since everyone comes to a new environment. That's what I thought then. And what I mean by friendly is only to nod and smile while we're all cleaning our rags and filling our pails in the toilet.
After my mum left, I was uncomfortable in the new environment. In the end I had dinner with my neighbour Yean Ching and her friend at PGP. C'mon I couldn't even navigate since I don't know school at all! That was the first of my really very few times at PGP.
SWOC (Sheares Welcome Orientation Camp)
I had loads of fun. Making friends with everyone, playing stupid camp games which are so much fun, listening to the guys' crap, baking in Sentosa's sun, taking random photos, having the awkward SP (secret pal) sessions with Sean Bai (I still can't really believe he's from TCHS). Camps always succeed in making me feel belong. That's when there're no cliques yet, so everyone's the same (more or less) with everyone else.
I remember Freshmen Inauguration Ceremony, where Dom brought the whole bunch of us freshies to UCC in our formal wear. On the way there everyone commented on how CK and I wore almost identical tops and we even took a photo together. For almost the entire session we were sleeping because we were really tired. I remember the really nice refreshments where we just sat down on the floor to eat and after that they did the really really dirty cheer in their formal wear! I've got it on video too! I wasn't there because Bao and I had to go down to declare our major because WE FORGOT TO. That reminds me, we cheered till we died for the camp. Totally. I love camps.
Flag Day
We only had about 3 hours of sleep or less. It's no big deal now anymore, but at that time, it was a BIG deal, considering we were going to do flag for 12 hours later in the day. Darius couldn't stop emphasing on how important Flag is to our Chancellor's Shield. I couldn't understand really. I didn't even know the Chancellor's Shield is given to the best hall for Rag and Flag combined. I just knew that, we had to do this, and we had to do this well.
Our block's seniors were really nice to bring milo for us up to the MPSH, so we could all have hot milo on a cold morning of... About 4am I think. It wasn't easy really. I don't remember where we went. I don't even remember who my partner was. But I know I did a very much better job than what I did in my very first flagging experience in secondary school, which was quite a failure really. But I do remember Zhao and Yee Haun, who happily kicked off my slipper in Macs when we were taking a break and started kicking it around like a ball. That's when I knew Yee Haun was learning the guitar and had tons of scores.
I remember feeling really fatigued by the time we went back and returned the cans. But I was proud that I could actually get such heavy cans, because I never thought I could do it.
Rag Day
I was snapping pictures like crazy. Many of the floats were so spectacular I never thought something like that could be done. I thought our train looked really pretty too. But yeah I did see our neighbour's train too. Frankly it was impressive. I loved the way they made their crest on the train door. Anyway, of course we cheered our heads off in that hot grandstand, with the SWOCs standing in front with their white gloves leading us.
When the results were released, I couldn't exactly feel what they felt. I couldn't really feel that anguish that the raggers felt when we lost. Everything to our friendly blue neighbour. Everyone was crying like crazy, but all I felt was a tinge of sadness purely because something saddening happened to my in-group. I did feel something when Darius led the whole hall in singing the hall anthem. Just, a little something.
Block Initiation
Totally new to this "initiation" thing, I've got no idea what I had installed for me, when I didn't even know what the word "initiation" means. The names of the two parts of our block initiation don't help at all. One, known as Operation IKEA and the other, Fatt Tat Lou. This, was what we all had to go through so that we officially turn from freshies into C-Towners.
I've got no idea how long this has gone on, but it is a tradition that was passed down. Supposed to keep mum about what this whole thing is about. I can only say, it was really fun. Operation IKEA was so sneaky. Plants. We did potted plants. Fatt Tat Lou was a battle between the sexes. Eh it was clean dirty fun. Dirty clean fun. Okay I know I don't make sense, but it was real fun doing it in school.
Oh yes not to mention that little something from the seniors at the end of the day, after the really sweet lullaby.
IBG (Inter-Block Games)
Almost everyone had to be the Sports Secretary (oh my I actually still remember what it's called) of an IBG sport, because our freshie intake was real small since our block's turnover rate was pretty low that year, with tons of seniors staying behind. Don't ask me why I ended up in charge of handball because I just did. Knowing nothing about handball and not even knowing it existed wasn't all that comforting. But still, I played that for IBG, along with netball and touch rugby.
I must admit handball is difficult to play. I remember I had lessons till 6 on that day of the game, and I was late. I couldn't really play. But still it was a pretty good experience because now I can at least watch handball on the Olympics and actually know what's going on.
Netball was something more familar. Much more. I didn't do much running though, just shot hoops, but of course nothing near Maisha's standard.
Touch rug was pretty fun. At the very least I got to know the rules. I played, and I did, nearly, do that dodging thing to get pass my opponents. I can still recall that satisfaction from the assuring look from our senior Yi Ying who said "Good try", and I know she means what she says. That time, that first time (and only I think) in my life, I didn't really know what I was doing, but I seized the chance, and dived with the ball. I never knew that I was actually willing to get myself dirty like that, to score in a match. It was something new for me. Competitive sports was totally new to me.
Buaya Week
Simply put, it's a totally escalated "angels and mortals" game. Totally. You can never imagine the extent of how people buaya their buayees. From making breakfast to making posters (I mean huge ones, those bigger than yourself), from decorating their doors, rooms, toilets, cubicles, corridors, what-have-yous. You don't know if you haven't seen it for yourself. As far as I know this is totally unique to our hall. Or to anywhere else. I didn't expect it either, but I grew to love the game.
My buayee (the one I'm supposed to be nice and sweet to without him knowing) was a total failure. Total disaster. He didn't even RESPOND. And by that I mean he didn't even take the chocolates I left at his door. (fyi I took them back myself and ate them.) Frankly I was pissed and disappointed. So much for a first experience huh. First time being so crazy and upfront to this guy secretly, only to be ignored. Okay, at least I knew what YNWA was because of him, and that's only because Samson told him to do something. I think I was complaining everyday, too much, for his comfort. Oops.
My buaya (the one who is supposed to be nice and sweet to me without me knowing) was nicer. He didn't make those huge posters like Ahbi did, he didn't do those fantasic artwork like Kaiyuan did, but he did do little things. Little things that made me know that I was not forgotten. Because it totally feels like crap when people around you are all swooning over what they got from their buaya and you don't get anything. So I really thank him for bothering, even though he was busy with his presentations and all. During Revelation, he got me this huge monkey cushion, which is still nice in its plastic wrapping because I don't really bear to use it. Thank you Jason. It wasn't a blow-me-off buaya-ing from you, but it did give me a taste of what it's supposed to be like. Gotta show the way as the senior, no?
SNDCC (Sheares National Day Celebrations)
Oh my gosh this was such a nightmare. I have no idea who the hell came up with this in the past. It's supposed to be simply a formal dinner that the whole hall comes together to have to celebrate National Day. But no, they made it real interesting.
Each Year 1 had to date a senior of the opposite sex for it.
Totally a piece of cake.
I dragged my feet on this. Guys who were more prominent obviously got snapped up very soon. I was putting it off as though it would just go away. But of course it wouldn't. Thankfully Mei Mei, my senior living diagonally opposite, just exclaimed one day, "Someone PLEASE go and ask Si Xian. Don't be scared or anything, just go!" She was desperate for someone to date her bf because everyone thought she wouldn't be okay with it. So I just went "Okay okay I'll do it."
That was easy to say. But the actual process wasn't. In the first place I wasn't even close to him, not even barely actually, even though he's my senior in my major. He's so terribly quiet, and I'm just not the kind to initiate conversations. Well, I didn't have a choice, so I kind of crept down to the 6th floor by the back staircase, stood outside his door and asked if anyone asked him already. He looked a little shocked and said no. So yeah I did it.
On the day itself, Mei Mei even had to call him up to pick me up (!!) from my room. It was actually pretty awkward really. I don't remember talking much to him. In fact we just had our own conversations with our own friends. I took tons of photos. Everyone did. We were just randomly grabbing people we knew to take photos with. I never had such a massive one-on-one photo-taking spree before, not even at prom. It was really quite crazy.
Lorry Supper
This was again something entirely new. Sitting at the back of the lorry with everyone, going around different places to just eat. It was my first time eating at most of the places we went, since they were all pretty far from the west, and my family never ventures out for food. I've had food that I haven't eaten in ages too. Strangely, I like sitting at the back of the lorry. It's not exactly the wind, because I remember my hair getting really tangled up because of it. I just like sitting at the back of the lorry. Is that weird or what?
NO77S (Night of 77 Stars)
Don't ask me about the name, I don't really know why myself. This is our block's annual production, unique to us. Totally lame, last-minute, funny. I didn't participate in the production though. I was just being a very nice and supportive member of the audience. I don't think I can forget our dance guys' item. Every one of us were laughing like crazy. Seriously. Title of the song and dance? Dick in a box. Okay I think you get the drift. *winks*
Uniform Party
I regretted letting my mum throw out my uniforms. The remnants I have left of my NY uniform are the PE attires, the white windbreaker, my green nametags and my PSGL badge. No, I don't have my Hongzi anymore (sob). I think I have more of what's left of my NJ uniform. The PE attires, the Terra shirt, the polo tee, the school badge, the metal buttons and the red tie. So the best combination I could do without looking too sloppy was the polo with the bright red shorts.
Turned out that it's good, because we played captain's ball in the end. Yes, in our uniforms. Those from NJ, other than me, faithfully turned up in full grey, so you can imagine how sweaty and uncomfortable people were. I was surprised to know guys like Huixiang and Bobo were from the same JC. Obviously we wouldn't have met before because they're two years senior. It's just a strange feeling. I kept forgetting that these guys in the same year as me are born in 85.
About AY07/08 in Block C
SWOC
I loved the camp the previous year, so I decided I will join it again. This time, as a senior. I would know the games and rules. I had to be around for Flag anyway. I wasn't there the entire time though. I kind of abused my authority as a senior to run off for my own private stuff whenever I wanted to, or when I just wanted to sleep in. Instead of running around Sentosa for our Amazing Race, we rented bikes. Stupid me can't cycle, not well enough at least, so I had to ride a tandem with Huixiang. Oh, SP was fun, because I'm not the one blindfolded. Instead we seniors walked around and played with the freshies, and laughed our heads off, really quietly, because it is rude to eavesdrop. Oops.
Rag Day
This was something different, as compared to the year before. Randomly, I went back to hall to help out rag in the holidays. There was Jaburu with his diva tactics, the non-stop playing of "Umbrella" by whichever radio station they were listening to, dirty paper mache, smelly blue spray paint that nearly choked us to death, and endless supply of drinks for the cans. I could see everything coming up very beautifully. Gorgeous. This time, I knew for sure, I wanted us to win.
The night before Rag Day, after the float was already gone, we were just packing up scales and paint and everything that would be needed for touchup. I know we did well for Flag. I know we can do well for Rag. Suddenly, this idea of the Chancellor's shield became clear.
We had our Rag Day at the Padang for the first time, and I remember it being really hot. Very hot, and we were sitting on the grass, but I was happy. We cheered like hell, and I could see people being impressed by us. I was impressed by ourselves. Everything else didn't matter anymore, as we waited for the results.
Up till then, I had no idea how much money we had collected for Flag Day, because I wasn't down to count the coins. It was only up till before the annoucement of the results before I had any vague idea as to how much it was. You could see all our faces scrunched up, including Gilyn's, because we worked so hard, and only we ourselves knew how hard. We knew for a fact that the Chancellor's Shield is close at hand, very close, but not in our hands yet.
We cuddled together like penguins, closing our eyes, heads down, listening intently. The atmosphere was almost stifling. Best flag went to our dear neighbour. Gilyn nearly crashed I guess. We all felt like cursing I'm sure. But the Chancellor's Shield. That shield.
It came back to us. I can still close my eyes now and feel that adrenaline rush. The tears, the screams, the cheers, the jumping, the hugging, no one had any image left. Zero. And no one cared. In times like this, you love the anthem that you really hate usually. You actually feel like singing it, and you're proud to sing it. Totally.
I wonder who came up with the idea of Rag. But I thank that guy for it.
Seniors' Meeting
My very first seniors' meeting, out of the very few. This is for Operation IKEA and Fatt Tat Lou. It was at Darius' room, with lunch someone helped all of us pack from Subway. Well, very well, we had many laughs. And realizations, which was the highlight. The seniors did too good a job the year before. Planning went fine, with a little half-heartedness, as usual.
Block Initiation
Did some receeing a few hours before the start of initiation, looking out for security cameras and high traffic flow. Well, better be safe than sorry. It was pretty cool being on the other side, telling the freshies what to do and what's the right way of doing it. The seniors were having our own fun which only we know. Both Operation IKEA and Fatt Tat Lou was completed pretty smoothly. For Operation IKEA this time we did the carom board.
I love the beginnings of each academic year, because that's when you're the slackest in school and you can just play without having to worry about anything else.
Buaya Week
My buayee was alright, except that he caught me in the act. At 4am. And I had nowhere to hide. This, is a really lousy demo by the senior. But obviously I wouldn't be expecting him to bathe at that time and come out of the toilet at that time, to see me at his door! Totally embarrassing. So, I learnt my lesson, to enlist help if in doubt. Argh. Apologies to Le Minh, whose first and only buaya week was kinda cut short by this silly senior. Oops.
My buaya was sweet. You know, it's just really nice to have a slice of cake with grapes, coupled with juice, complete with utensils, all on a tray, when you come back really worn out from an entire day of lessons. Then everyone who walks by your door looks in and envies you. Thanks to Edwin, who calls me phantom all day long, for the little sweet things, though he thinks that he really didn't do that well.
DND
The theme was retro. I didn't think I was dressed all that retro, but I did dress for it. I've seen through it that DND is merely a time to get together and dress pretty and take photos. Oh yes, and to earn money. Cheering was of course a must, with Candy looking so pretty and Kaiyuan looking so suave.
It was pretty crap at the end though. Because conjunctivitis struck. In fact it did so a million times after this I was so fed up with it. So my day ended badly. Let's not go into details though I can remember them.
RF Supper
This was damn funny because we're on the other side now. I think I love the thrill of springing surprises and seeing their expressions. In other words, I love to lie. Oops. Darius still pretended to dress up and we all played along, adjusting his tie and stuff. We just exchanged glances with one another and chuckled silently. Well, I think we should always have a chance to be on both sides.
NO77S
Darius and a few of us pushed the sofas in the lobby to the corridor outside the lobby to face the grasspatch downstairs. With a few attempts, the people downstairs managed to throw chips up for us to eat while watching the show. Yee Haun came back too! It was pretty saddening to see him leave after one semester, when he is always so helpful and cheery to everyone. I remember CK starting the night of with his rendition of “我可以”. We people sitting above cheered while he cracked on his high notes. Very amusing, because we were preparing ourselves to cheer at the correct timings so as to cover his voice. The graduating batch of seniors put up a very funny skit, though it was really nonsensical.
Uniform Party
I don't remember what we actually did anymore. I only recall being in the MPSH, eating our dinner there. I was in Joey's nurse uniform, and having trouble sitting on the floor because I didn't wear shorts beneath the uniform. She was pretty touchy that day, and I was just trying to be the one among many in the crowd.
About AY08/09 in Block C
SWOC
Now, for a Year 3 to be involved in SWOC in any form, is actually pretty weird, or I would say, uncommon. It was pretty clear that the committee is almost always exclusively consisting of Year 2s. Seniors don't join the camp at this stage anymore, because people are either working or having attachments. But I wasn't. And I know I might not have a chance to participate in a camp anymore. It wasn't easy to just chip in, when I never went for SECCs (Sheares Exposure Camp). Plus I'm never someone who initiates anything, but I made myself do it.
And it was good.
This time I made a conscious effort to remember names and faces, to connect and be involved. I had fun, I got dirty, and I got to know people. I even had to stand in as station master, with a partner I don't know, without prior notice. So for once I had OGs surrounding me, doing cheers so that I'll be happy and give them more points. I ran through the Amazing Race around Sentosa with my OG. (Btw my stamina kinda failed me then.) I took care of someone who was feeling sick during the SP session at a beach at Sentosa. I thought I would have trouble finding things to talk to her about because she's a PRC. But we actually didn't run out of topics. I thought, that's something.
Flag Day
I was in charge of two PRC freshies and so I told them where to position themselves such that they'll be able to get donations. We were up so early, and was stationed so early, I could see the public giving me the surprised look. Well, early birds get to catch a little more worms I guess. But it was tiring. Utterly. With very little sleep, lots of competition, fighting for people among other things, it worns people out. But with the previous year's experience, I know this is important, and so I pressed on.
Rag Day
Rag ran into problems. Big problems. On the last night, it was craziness. Pure craziness. For the first time, I was sitting on top of the lorry head. We feared that we might fall, especially when the lorry had to be driven a little out of the rag area due to height constraints. But we know, we were doing this. For the first time, I dirtied my clothes during rag. With stains that cannot go off. Till now, every time I wear those clothes again I get reminded of rag. How I got hands full of paint. How I got hands full of glue. How I got cuts from cutting cans. How I got contact glue on one side of my thigh (and it's freaking painful to remove). How I work through the night and day. How I see others work through the nights and days. How I see others nodding off in the midst of their work with their tools still in their hands.
How everyone put something like that together. Together.
This wasn't our standard. We know it. I thought our presentation was fantastic though, with the idea of propping up half the float to reveal a band within it. But apparently not enough. We lost it. To our dear neighbour again. We are disappointed. We cry. But I want to see us come back again. I'm so going back to see that. I'm so going to.
Block Initiation
Lao jiao already, and I was still having fun, guiding the little ones through the rites of passage. Samson and I were in the same group incidentally for Operation IKEA, and we were the ones who did the prepartory work, and he walked around looking like an idiot. HA. This time we did the fan, right there at our dear neighbour's. Fatt Tat Lou was still as entertaining as ever, with us the oldest ones giving all the ideas. Well, we do need to teach the young ones some things and traditions, you know.
IBG
I've quit playing for IBG already, but at times I still do watch. And because of CK's introduction to what taupok was, the freshie guys got hooked on it and did it while there was a match going on. In fact they kept doing it. On the stage of the MPSH. CK and I both agreed that we're too old to catch up with these young people. Oh gosh.
But at times like this, you have fun. And you feel young. Okay, younger, at least. And I just cannot stop thinking that I'm not entitled to the fun very soon.
SNDCC
Now, last year, I was at the singles table, because I never mingled enough with the freshies that year for anyone of them to date me. I didn't think anyone would this year, but I thought it'd be nice if someone did. And, this time round, someone did. Very casually. Fate has it that we had to work together pretty often after that.
It's a session for snapping pictures again. And I start to get a little more selective as to who I want to take photos with.
What happened at the lobby was totally crazy though. All thanks to Matt, all our block freshie guys turned gay. Complete with gay poses and gay photos. It was hilarious. All the girls couldn't stop squealing and screaming and laughing, including me.
Open Door Day
This was something that only started the previous year. The juniors were supposed to go in groups to every senior's room, to get to know them better. It's pretty cool actually, because you get to do self-introductions again and this time it's easier to remember because they're in smaller groups.
I remember this time's one much better, because after this day, everyone knew about my obsession with Jay. With three huge posters that fill my wall, numerous other smaller ones, my desktop wallpaper, it's difficult to not realize it. And I thought that was a good way to let them remember me, because I'll never be prominent enough to be remembered in other ways. And it did work.
Buaya Week
I went with my neighbours to tour the entire hall, to look at what everyone has done. That included going to Blocks D and E, where I totally couldn't navigate (FAIL). It was pretty interesting. And they were snapping all the way with their cameras, while this senior here just looked on. I realized I took fewer and fewer photos as I progress from Year 1 to 3.
I've learnt my lesson about my buayee, so I enlisted help all the time to pass things to him, rather than leaving them at the door or something. I've learnt how to keep things cheap, simple, and I made myself give something each and every day. Even though each thing is small, I think it counts that he gets something each day, because I myself would like that. Somehow, I found a way to write my messages to him such that they're sweet but not over. I guess there're still things I cannot make myself do and say huh. Hearing Kenny describe how good I am as his buaya during Revelation made me a little guilty because I seriously isn't that great a buaya. But yeah I admit I like the way he is thankful for everything I did. It's really nice when you are just hanging around and you hear him telling his levelmates how great he thinks his buaya is.
My buaya has only gotten the better over these years. Getting the care and concern from Jay Chou himself is a perk already. That's his nickname btw. Yes it came about because everyone knows my obsession with him. I thought it was really thoughtful of him to come up with the messages specific to Jay. And the things he did weren't that big afterall, but you can see the effort put in by him. Intergrating his lyrics, his song titles and his life into these gifts require some kind of time and thought if you're not all a Jay fan. I did guess what Darius would give me for Revelation though. And I do love that present a lot. It's Jay, what do you expect? Thanks to him, I had a really sweet Buaya Week with many envious looks.
Night Cycling
I never went for night cycling in the previous two years because that would require my parent's signature since I was under 21, and I'm never someone to ask a guy to be my partner on the tandem bike, and I'm never prominent enough to have a guy ask me. Oh yes we only do tandem for night cycling. And yes I'm not prepared to hear my mum's consistent nagging about safety and what-nots if I need her consent.
I did have some idea as to how to go about doing this, but things changed. So it's okay, I went with Cyn, though everyone was asking why we didn't get guy partners, because it'll make things a little easier. It was still fun, and we were all racing past green lights because we hate to have to stop and start again it got really funny. At the last stop at Geylang I was stuffing myself with food. Coupled with rain and thunder and lightning, it was wet and cold in the end. I don't get drenched so bad very often, but I do like it actually. But not later when it was freezing and I just stopped myself from moving at all thinking it'll conserve some heat, while standing there waiting for the bus to come. No good when the bus is obviously equipped with the air con. It was quite a miracle I didn't catch a cold.
Once in a lifetime experience, because I don't see myself doing this anymore. Any more chances?
NO77S
I've always been an audience. A good supportive one. This time, I'm still a good supportive audience. Just that my short-wing neighbours and I did a video to be screened this time round. That's the funny advertisement I posted before. We shot that clip with Gloria's webcam just the night before the show. It was really quite random. She just called out to us and we just went in to do the shoot. Obviously we had NGs, and so we were laughing our asses off in the middle of the night. After our shot I stayed in her room to see Darius' shot. And laughing very silently on her bed while trying to keep out of the camera.
During the show itself when the video was shown, I buried my head in Chui Fen's shoulder, totally not wanting to watch it, or see others' reaction towards it, while she was laughing away and teasing me. BLEAH. Well, at least I got to participate in this, finally, huh?
DND
I didn't sit with my block, due to one reason or another. The trip there was horrendous because we couldn't get on the last bus. We tried to flag a taxi, but ended up taking a bus to Harbourfront, then paid to get on the Sentosa bus. Bleah. Keith must have felt the worst, given what he was wearing, complete with makeup and hair. Oh gosh.
But DND itself was okay. Food was pretty good. The wide array of dessert blew us away I must admit. A pity that my dear Year 1 freshies weren't really there. No wonder I kept feeling like I've not taken photos with enough people. Very naturally I migrated to my block while it was the pageant segments, cheering for all we were worth for Darius and Jia Fen. My camera had to die on me when I wanted to take a photo with Juni! Though it's a little weird between us since I bet he doesn't even know my name.
Senior's Farewell
Now, this meant a little something, because I'm part of who they're sending farewell to. I was in a rush to go home, and the programme started a little weird and people (yes, the seniors) were terribly late. I was half contemplating leaving early, but I eventually decided to wait. Somehow, I knew there would be something behind which I will find worth waiting for. Besides, this is the very last thing I was ever going to be in, before leaving this place.
I was right.
I was kinda touched seeing the effort they put in. The slideshow with individualized slides of each of us, the individualized certificates, the individualized photoframes. I guess I have a thing for individualized stuff. Vs mass-produced ones.
About hall
I contemplated doing this part the same way as above, going by the year, but there's too much continuity among the things I joined. So, there we go again...
Choir
This was my obvious choice when we had to join things in hall. Hate the audition though. I can never stop the terrible tremor in my voice when I go for auditions. I never knew what I was getting myself into, not knowing how hall choir is like at all. Eventually, I knew. We knew.
The cultural schedule doesn't really change much each year. GLC (Good Luck Concert), carolling (think this was the first time I carolled), CMB concert, Amplitude, KRaSH (a collaboration with our dear neighbour which ended after the first year). Half the time we were rushing against time to learn songs and to polish them up. Things were terribly stressful for Cyn (and this is really an understatement actually).
In Year 1, GLC was pretty rubbish. Carolling gave me the chance to feel what it felt like to have someone come to listen to you. We managed to accomplish something by the time it was CMB concert. I can still hear the silent intensity of "The Snow". I don't think I've ever mentioned this, but I love the intensity of really very quiet songs, and the force of really loud fat sounds. Total opposites, but the feeling of singing these two opposites well is exhuberant. Amplitude was simply fun for me, to relive the moments of being on stage as a chorister. Not the perfect sound, not the perfect pitch, but the enjoyment of being on stage singing.
Come Year 2, we knew the drill already. And we knew that this choir is not like any we knew before. And we had to do it all over again. There were things that screwed up with the higher levels (and I was one of the tiniest fry in part of that higher level), like trying to hold a concert at Fort Canning, and we lived with it. We saw something with this batch of people who liked to sing. We did. But that was the problem. When you see something, there's something to lose. And when there's something to lose, you don't want to lose it. So when you do, there's no words to describe that feeling.
By the time it was Year 3, we knew that feeling already. But singing is something I just cannot quit. Looking from a different perspective, I hold a different view from others, because we all look upon the same thing with our own interests, or the interests of the respective organizations we're in. One thing that does not change is how I still love to sing in a choir. No matter how messy, how noisy, how frustrating, how irritated, how sickening, how disappointing, how saddening. The same feeling that wells up in me making my hairs stand whenever we just so happen to strike a beautiful chord. It never changed.
(Pardon the sudden switch in language.)
有两个男生，是我在说合唱团时不得不提的，两个都是第二年认识的。一个是栩生，一个是逸恒。其实我跟栩生没说过多少话，我甚至不记得我们曾经一对一交谈过。但是，他那完全不露痕迹的外表隐藏着的灵魂，他那开朗逗人开心的本事后面超人的坚强与韧性，让我甚至不敢说我对他的遭遇感到怜悯，而是一种肃然起敬的心情。这样过活的他我相信很累，但是他对周遭的人所带来的启发和影响却还挺深远的。对于逸恒，我欣赏他弹钢琴的技术，他可以拿捏自己声音的能力，他的幽默，他的讽刺和一针见血（所以和他一起bitch是很爽很大快人心的，大前提是你要和他站在同一边，虽然我承认他常过火），更是他带领我们，让人敬畏让人听从的样子。但是就私底下的互动而言，我只能说他是个忽近忽远的人物。充其量他可能只能算是个同伴，对他来说我也是如此吧。
Netball
There're so many sports that can be joined in hall; it's seen as the easiest way to gain points, as compared to the five cultural groups that require a certain level of skill to join. But sports was never my cup of tea, and this just happened to be the first sport club I ever joined all my life, and the last. I'm never good with sticks, racquets or bats, and being an unfit person I guess a non-contact sport like netball would be best.
Sad to say, I don't like doing drills. Yet doing drills is really important. Competitve sports is really not me. I don't like that feeling. Things that came together just made me really not like that feeling. Feeling of incapability.
I just like to play. Plainly.
On a side note, frankly I miss playing basketball. A lot. I like that gush of adrenaline with the fighting over balls and running up and down court and sweating like crazy. Not to win, but just to play. To enjoy the game.
DND
Joining anything else in Year 1 was totally out of my expectation, because I wasn't even sure if I would want to continue staying in hall. Eventually, it all boiled down to Darius helping me to get into committees in Semester 2 that I even had any other experiences I've had in the following years. I really have him to thank. He's a really great blockhead.
So, DND was what I got into, not by choice, but by luck and fate. I only joined DND in Year 1 even though I was interested in joining it again. Year 2's came too fast, so much so I didn't even know they formed the committee. I chose not to join it in Year 3 due to a certain reason, and I'm glad I made that decision.
Things were already in the midst of wherever they were, and yes I would say it was in a mess. Big mess. I wasn't sure as to how a committee is run actually, and so during meetings I was half drifting off, not knowing what exactly was going on. Going for meetings was an obligation, but it wasn't unpleasant.
I ended up only having two things to do before the day itself: to come up with the master seating arrangement layout and to edit two video clips. Now, I'm an idiot when it comes to video editing, but I did get to watch two movies because I had to choose a section of it to extract. Japheth had to come teach me on how to do it (that's when I learnt about VLC player and codecs), though I have now completely forgotten how to do it. Yes, I was able to do it eventually.
On the day itself, I went down early, with part of the committee whom I wasn't close to (I was never close to them anyway), to set up the venue. Seeing how Andre the chairman was working, how he was running everywhere taking care of everything, up till the point where he forgot to bring his chairperson's speech to the venue and had to rewrite it on the spot, I saw how tough it was being in that leadership position, and I saw how everything can just go wrong. Looking back it seemed to be a prelude to what I would go through later myself. We set the tables, rehearsed with the pageant contestants and emcee, and I was then told that I would be going on stage to help with the presentation of certificates.
I remember that the certificates didn't come on time and they nearly didn't make it in time. I remember I was starving because I didn't get enough dinner to eat. I remember sneaking back to my block's table to steal food to eat. I remember how excited I was when my block video clip that I edited was played. I remember helping to clear everything up after the whole event. I remember how relieved Andre was.
And that was my abrupt start and abrupt end to my experience in DND.
SWOC
People say you either join SWOC or Rag at some point in time during your hall life. I think I decided against Rag because I would need to stay in hall in the holidays and Mum is bound to make noise. Then, people asked me why I joined SWOC flag, out of all the sub-committees I could have joined in SWOC. I couldn't answer them, because I myself couldn't remember why. I guess I went by elimination, and decided that my best shot would be flag, because it would most probably be the least popular. I wasn't confident in programme (what an irony for later HA), not extroverted and motivated enough to be a counsellor, not exactly that interested in welfare, completely inexperienced and incompetent in publicity. So there.
I remember my first flagging experience in my life in secondary school, which totally failed me. I have my flagging experience in Year 1 to thank, with motivation from the seniors such as Darius and Zhao Hui, which made me more unafraid to talk to strangers. This helped greatly actually in SWOC Flag (and I still have no idea how I got myself into it).
Flag consisted of long hours, for days. We would walk the whole day, through industrial estates, going to each and every workshop to ask for donations from people of different manufacturing industries. It's difficult to describe the experience, because it is neither fun nor boring. Put it this way, it's a completely different thing from whatever I've done in the past. Walking out into the real society to talk to these people is an experience. Some kind of life skill I'm glad I got to attain in hall.
But there's a catch. I still need someone by my side to do it. Damn.
I got to know people from other blocks too. Making friends has never been my forte. And this allowed me to chat and laugh and basically just talk nonsense with a group of people I was working with, because at the end of the day we were always so tired we found somewhere to sit down to just chill. They may not all remember me or my name, but yes we did have a set of memories shared among us.
I was too panicky on flag day itself. I was supposed to assign different groups to the different MRT stations. And yes I kind of panicked for it because I didn't have time to do so earlier. Only got hold of the list when we were on the bus on the way there. It wasn't easy having to account for the entire block. The ex-SWOCs calmed me down and helped me out.
After the entire day out, the block's mission was done, but our committee stayed in the room counting cans and chasing after missing ones. Every single can has to be back or else we would need to make a police report. You can imagine how tired we all were after waking up at an unearthly hour of 3+ or 4am and standing the entire day outside till evening. I was supposed to be down counting coins at the SRC MPSH in the middle of the night but I was spared of it in the end.
And may I add, I think Gilyn made a really good IC. Depsite my initial general impression of her (before knowing her personally) of being a girl who can go pretty crazy when having fun, she knows when to get to business and does her work beforehand so that everyone can be clear of what to do and where to go. Put it this way, you won't feel lost when you're under her.
Convening Committee
Now, this chance didn't come easy. Basically this is the organizing committee for the annual IHG (Inter-Hall Games) among the six halls, so each hall would take turns each year to be the one in charge of it. Frankly I wasn't really keen on joining committee since I was in Year 3 by then, but it was for the sake of points just in case I was going to stay on for the 4th year. I struggled to even make it to the booth for an interview. It wasn't until the second committee fair that I wrote my name down. And I told myself, as with any other time when I cannot decide what to do, that I would just see if I get selected to do it.
In the end, I did get into the committee, under the Manpower sub-committee, which I misunderstood at first into something that probably males can do better, because I didn't really bother about its job scope. I'm sure I'm not the only one anyway. I was a little apprehensive at first, when I don't know what exactly I'm going to do, and with an IC like Xu Han. But it's true that you should see for yourself what the guy is like.
Basically we were working in pairs to settle adminstrative stuff, such as going down to the courts to register the players with their matriculation cards, making sure there are enough players on court when starting (or else it's a walkover), checking the list of players against the entire halls' resident lists to make sure they are REALLY residents of those halls (trust me it takes time), providing of equipment (different games require different stuff, and you don't really know who needs what all the time), to decide on the course of action in the case of wet weather, record the scores on paper and work with the referee(s). Some sports required more work than others, such as time keeping (which I screwed up majorly for a game and got scolded for. HAIZ), score keeping, blowing the whistle for timeouts etc. I don't know anyone from the sub-committee, or the drivers for the matter of fact (we need to contact the driver earlier so that he'll drive us down to the courts earlier in the lorry), save one guy from my block whom I didn't really know also since this freshie checked in late. Thank goodness Terrence was easy to crap to so we were actually pretty much hoping to pair up with each other after our first time because it would make duty less boring and we'd be able to watch out for each other. I always had to randomly sms my partner and the driver to coordinate meeting times and stuff and it kinda sucked when we didn't know how each other looks like. But well, I guess I have to keep doing that in future situations anyway.
I guess overall I'm still glad that I had this chance to sit through certain games, because I ended up knowing a little more about their rules. Was down for duty for tennis, handball, volleyball, road relay, netball and track closing ceremony. So you can imagine me sitting at the court like an idiot watching a tennis game and not even knowing how they're keeping score (thank goodness they kept score themselves), but still I enjoyed watching certain good games by certain halls. Handball was fun because I know the rules and our own hall was involved and we were torn between being cheering for us and being (or at least looking) neutral. But it was the most taxing on us because we have to write down who scores for each and every goal! Not easy when the whole world is crowding around to look at the game and yes they ALL block your view no matter how many times you tell them. Not blaming them though, because it was such an important and exciting game. It rained before the volleyball match, so we had to dry the courts as far as possible. Road relay was quite crazy before the actual race, because ALL the halls were down, both males and females, so there were a million player record forms flying everywhere and it's not easy to track everyone down, especially when there'll always be people who forget their matriculation cards and have to go through more adminstrative stuff. You're trying hard to handle everything on your lap, and making sure you don't lose more pens than you already have because everyone is borrowing one from you and you're working against time because whether it starts on time depends on whether you can finish checking everything on time. For netball, I could understand the game of course, but I did screw up. Big no-no. We didn't do much for track closing though. It was really slack.
This was the closest I ever got to sports after quitting netball in Year 1. And probably the closest I'll ever be. I don't exactly fancy leading a sports team in future. It's not like I cannot appreciate sportsmanship, but sports is just so not my cup of tea.
SP (Sheares Production)
Joined this two years in a row. First in the Marketing sub-committee, then in the Welfare sub-committee.
Marketing was something new to me. It was again a choice out of no choice. Frankly, I didn't like calling up people to speak to them like this. But after a while, I actually got the hang of it, and realized it's actually nothing much. You pick up the phone, dial the number, wait for someone to pick it up and babble the same lines you babbled over the phone for the 9278432th time, and you are expecting the person to either redirect you to the marcomm (marketing communications) department and reject you, or just to reject you on the spot. We use namelists that are passed on from the previous batches, or yellow pages, or simply google. Oh yes, we send many emails a day too. And it's not like you can spam mail, because each mail has to be addressed to the specific company, so each one has to be sent separately. Basically this is to ask for sponsorships (either monetary or product) for our drama production in return for advertising. Out of the 10 million calls you make probably one responds. That's how much time and work goes into it, before you see those pretty logos printed on banners and programme booklets, or those little random stuff/food in the goodie bags. But I must say that it's not a difficult job, not physically at least. There was something quite out of my own experiences though. We got to meet up with a sponsor himself to talk about our deal. Didn't quite know what to do or say actually. In fact I don't think I said anything. I was just sitting in and taking everything in. I was never this close to business. Never. So it was cool to see how it's done.
On the days of the performances, we were holed up in the miserable storeroom with all the sponsored goods like tons of Newater. There wasn't even a room for our sub-committee; we shared a room with the goods. But we had fun, destroying the external packaging of the food to repack them, packing the goodie bags for the kids (and having fun with the things inside), preparing the food for the audience for intermission, entertaining (supposedly) VIPs to lead them to their refreshments upstairs.
In Year 3 I ended up joining Welfare because I knew it was probably one of the slackest sub-committees in SP (and yes I admitted this to Qing Jun the producer when he asked me why HA.) I admit that I wasn't very committed to it really. There's nothing difficult about the job scope, only the effort it takes for me to go down to hall to do it that matters, because I wasn't staying in hall in the vacation period. It was basically only making/buying food for everyone who was working, be it the cast, people making the sets, costumes etc. I was frequently late (a bad habit I have yet to kick as a student) and I actually lost the drive to do my job because I was simply too lazy to go down to hall. It got better later on when school started, so I didn't find it that troublesome even if it meant going down to Sheng Siong to buy ingredients and making supper for them ourselves. In fact I kinda enjoyed it.
On the first day of production, we were the ones who made the refreshments for the VIPs. Yes they were edible. I remember what a rush for time it was, and we were trying to make sure the food wouldn't get ruined while we sat at the back of the lorry. On the second day, the food was catered, and oh boy it was good. We were ALL eyeing the food while lining the table and what-nots (and yes everyone came over to snatch the food after the VIPs were gone). Somehow, we all had a fun time with one another, though technically speaking we didn't work together on many occasions. Btw, we also didn't have any room to ourselves. We leeched on the costumes sub-committee for their room.
Then Qing Jun and I were reminiscing about our years in SP with the rest (because we were both the oldest around there), when the only play we watched was Communicating Doors in Year 1, because for the other two years we were in the production team. Of course he's in much bigger roles than I was, and he was never my direct boss, but we weren't concerned about that there and then during our conversation. We were simply, in SP together, and telling the juniors there how it was like. Then we were recalling things like the magnificant sets that Samson and team made last year for The Wind in the Willows. You could see Qing Jun's eyes sparkle when he talked so much in detail about the train, the boat, the mechanisms that made them move, the Toad Hall and everything. Then both of us were talking animatedly to them about how we ate up the leftovers of the VIP's reception like hungry pigs. We were never close to each other, acquaintances at most, but because we worked for the same cause, we had much to share. Plus we are stepping into the same career with the same scholarship in the same year. He might just become a fellow colleague (though I think it's highly unlikely because we live too freaking far away from each other).
CMB (Cultural Management Board)
Actually I think this deserves an entirely new section to itself. There's so much under this! This was the only committee I joined for all the 3 years I was in hall, because I felt some kind of belong, and I definitely have a much better idea about the cultural scene as compared to sports.
In Year 1, I only joined CMB in Semester 2 for the same reason I joined DND, which is Darius' help so I could continue staying in hall. I didn't know what it was like, or what it really did, so I sat in the first meeting not knowing a thing. You could say that it was because of Bona the chairperson that made me want to stay in CMB. He was so friendly and welcoming, so much so I felt belong and at home in that very first meeting already, yet serious about what he has to do. He made sure that I wasn't lost in the course of the meeting and guided me along. Junsheng my sub-committee IC (supposedly, because there wasn't any point in putting me in any sub-committee by then) was very kind and helpful to me too. As a side note, I actually like this particular batch of seniors a lot.
I actually don't remember doing much work that year, because I was new. I was doing random things like helping to paste posters, or carrying things to UCC Courtyard where RockFest was being held, sitting there watching the concert (and hopping over to Open House to be a "freshie" to grab goodie bags). I had a really slack time in CMB. Then.
In Year 2, I joined the Marketing sub-committee. Again. Yes I was basically doing nothing but marketing in this year in all the committees I joined. First, we had to call up places such as shopping malls for carolling gigs. Logistics wise would be a little more work than the SP one, because this one would require sound system (if possible) etc. For the annual CMB concert held at Fort Canning (I shall refrain from commenting about the venue), we were supposed to find food vendors to set up stalls beside the stage. Basically I just went down to the school bazaars and picked up name cards and emailed them. I did close a deal, though there was certain learning points here and there, like what the contract should include (clauses such as forfeiting of deposit, and now I thought of "in case of wet weather..."), what form should the deposit come in, whose name should be written for a cheque, having a receipt issued to the vendor for the deposit given... These things I would never have thought of if I never had that first hand experience with the vendor alone, and with him asking me questions that I have no answers to give there and then. I admit it showed him how noob I was, and it was unprofessional on my part, but well at least he didn't cheat us of anything, except that he didn't turn up on the day itself due to some screw-up on his part and so his deposit was forfeited (to our delight).
The day itself was a close shave. Luckily the rain stopped. Luckily. I became the one holding on to the key of our holding room (why me!?), as instructed by Yee Lian the chairperson, so for a period of time I was the most sought-out person in that area. The concert went on well, much to our relief. Stayed behind to clean up the place. By the time we were waiting for the bus, we were all pretty much worn out. But at least, finally, it's over.
Year 3 in CMB was such an experience. It went pretty much unplanned. I had already decided on joining again, just that I couldn't decide on which sub-committee. Publicity is something I have never touched on and in fact very unconfident of, and my PS skills is practically zilch, not to mention drawing skills. Programme is another thing I do not have experience in. I've done marketing for the whole of last year I didn't want to do it again.
Out of the blue, I was invited by Dina to be her Programme IC or even her Vice. I was all !?!?! What's more, two teams were vying to be the next committee. So no one could be certain of his/her position. I had many considerations. One was that my results sucked to the core and being in one of the major committees in hall would take up a whole lot of my time. Two was that I had no prior experience whatsoever when it comes to Programme. But according to Dina I would do fine because I am familiar enough with the cultural scene and basically know the events that fill up the year. Three was that I didn't even know if I was up to it. I've never done things on that scale before. I took all the time I could to think about it because I didn't want to think about it. I must have worried Dina when I never got back to her and she had to chase me for my answer time and again.
Eventually, I decided to take up the post. I knew that it would be quite an experience, and I knew I have a good leader whom I'm confident I can work with (this gave me a lot of reassurance) and I guess I secretly wished to have that experience though I was apprehensive and uncertain. I knew it was a lot of work, but I wasn't sure of what until I was really into it. I think it's always like this: it's not difficult to know what's under your portfolio, but it's impossible to know what it entails till you start. Once I plunged into it, there was no end to it. And wow it WAS an experience.
The main committee (ie the exco) had our first meeting to discuss the direction of CMB and our plans for the main events, so that Dina can bring it up as her proposal. We even met up with the different cultural group ICs to gather opinion. This was important as it would determine if we get chosen to lead CMB in the year to come. Something totally out of point here, that to my secret joy the cute little boy that I had spotted during rag (and I asked for his name then XD) was in the main committee too, though I'm sad to say that he doesn't recognize me anymore (SOB).
After we knew that we were the chosen team, work rolled in like no one's business. Schedule was tighter than previous years, so we had to work fast before committees closed for the examinations. But before that, we had to choose our sub-commers. I was perfectly fine with working with inexperienced freshies, so I just waited for people to come for interviews instead of looking for potential people and get them to join (who would I know, given the semi-phantom state I'm in in hall). For once I was interviewing those poor juniors (I hate auditions and interviews myself) and I was pretty much clueless about how I was going to choose my people, and I only needed to choose three. Had a meeting so that we won't fight over the same people, and we could share opinions and thoughts on the choices made, and of course to make sure the different quotas would be met. The first sub-committee meeting I had with them was so rubbish even I couldn't stand myself, because I finished everything I wanted to say in about three sentences! The job scope of the group barely took one sentence - to plan the programme (duh!).
The first event was Good Luck Concert (GLC). I approached Edmund, the Programme IC last year, and he very kindly sent me his entire CMB folder complete with the files and documents so that at least I would have something to work on and fall back on. Then came all the liasing with many people from hall, almost all of whom don't know me before this even though we've all been in hall for three years. This was an event combined with SMB (Sports Management Board), so I needed to liase with Xu Da (chairperson), Agatha (Programme IC), Ying Hui (for DND for their publicity), later Shaojie joined in to use 5 minutes of the programme, tech crew, the five cultural group ICs (each group had a minimum of 2 ICs), emcee etc, settling the programme flow (OH this took about 10 drafts), timing, item information, equipment, technical provision such as lights, curtains, human movement, tech run, sound checks, full dress rehearsal and what-nots. Needless to say there were many meetings, emails and smses. People complained here and there, problems arised here and there and everywhere, and I wasn't always available to solve them (I had a fieldtrip till 6pm on the day itself), and neither do I always know what to do. It wasn't till later that we realized that I did almost all the work myself and did almost no delegation for my members except for work allocation on the concert day itself. Fail. Oh but I must say I did have this cheap thrill while holding onto the walkie-talkie during the concert. It was fun talking through it! Shhh. Anyway, this was the smallest event that we would organize, and it already took quite a bit of sanity from me, not to mention causing heart attacks right to the start of the concert itself. But well, the show went pretty well, to my (and our) relief.
There wasn't much time for rest though. Preparations for RockFest (RF) started during the vacation period in December. (RF is a concert put up by the bands from all the six halls.) Had a meeting with the key personels from CFA (Centre for the Arts. That's where our money's coming from) and NUSSU (Student Union. Since we're holding it during Open House, it came under them). Then I had a meetup with the band ICs from the different halls (trust me, it was difficult enough to get their contacts and get to them and set a date) to thrash things out among themselves, because we had to provide our own band equipment this year, as opposed to previous years. Knowing absolutely nothing about band stuff, they were the ones running the meeting more or less (with brand names of all the different instruments and eqiupment flying over my head), though of course I'm still the one to collate the tech rider (which turned out to be quite a pain).
Gathering of information of all sorts was difficult because there are six halls in all. Six sets of each piece of information, from the venue to programme flow to logistics to technical stuff (cables, amplifiers, stage monitors, sound engineer, everything is greek!) to publicity to transport (oh Mary! Another 10 emails or so, coupled with another 10 calls or so.) to security. Everyone had various concerns. Changes ongoing. Unexpected cockups and unforeseen circumstances (oh my gosh I cannot emphasise enough how MANY and DIVERSE these can be.) Mistakes in communication. Not everyone replies emails on time. I had to keep asking for clarifications and answers because I'm such a noob when it comes to this.
Everything added together was very time-consuming and energy-zapping! For one, I never knew it can take this long to write emails. Once, I actually took up to 5 hours to draft one. As the Programme IC I need to consolidate information from both bottom-up and top-down, within my own committee and between different groups, and these which easily comes up to ten people or more. As a Capricorn I love organizing things. So it's actually not that much a chore or a dread to do, just that usually I have a million other things waiting to be done while doing this. (Remember I'm still a student with all the usual lessons to attend, and the usual deadlines to meet.) When we said we had no time to eat, bathe, go toilet, talk, sleep, we meant it. Strangely enough, I felt like dying and yet felt so much like I was living.
The night before, I couldn't sleep well, and I didn't sleep much anyway. I can still recall that trick the cute little boy and his partner pulled though. Naughty guys. Instinctively, I didn't dare sleep deeply, afraid that I would miss a call from someone on duty for security of the instruments and equipment, since I told the people I'll be on standby all night. It was pretty impossible to sleep well too, when we still cannot be certain if a particular hall could perform (disclaimer: not their fault). After waking up and getting changed for Rockfest, it really dawned on me that it's going to be over. And suddenly I thought: I don't want it to be over. It, being my term in CMB itself, as this was our last event.
More cockups before the show, and during the show, so much so the whole lot of us were basically wanting to dig a hole right there and then to hide in. Then it was over. Clear stage. Return equipment. Stone. It was over. Months of work, emails, smses, calls, meetings, cockups, mistakes, nonsense, lashings (at us). It was over.
Come to think of it it really wasn't easy to organize RF on my part, or for the matter of fact, on the part of Boss (Dina) or Cyn. We're all girls and know nothing about band or band equipment whatsoever. Now I start to think about how it all happened, as I wrote all that above. Duty calls I guess, having to deal with it head-on. There's no other way, no?
But, this wasn't the only thing we had to organize in that same period of time. Yes, two concerts within days of each other. In fact the other concert - CMB concert - came before this one, just that we planned for RF much earlier. CMB Concert was actually put together in a month. I'm serious. One month for the biggest cultural event within hall.
I thought this would be a little easier, since I had organized a concert with the same group of people in the previous semester already. I needed the same types of information, more or less the same technical stuff, logistics, sound check, tech run, rehearsal and stuff, and in fact I didn't need to liase with so many people for this concert. This time round I delegated. This created more emails. And more problems. In my muddled state of the two looming concerts, I forgot something fundamental - meetings. I must admit that this really was my bad and I am guilty of it. Things didn't get that heated up, but the atmosphere wasn't the most amicable either. Problems surfaced, but we did manage to solve them in some way. I know there were (or maybe are?) unhappy with certain decisions and arrangements. You cannot satisfy everyone, not when you have so many considerations, not when you have higher-ups to answer to. I admit that I could have done better and there is definitely room for improvement, and that's all I would say.
I think the concert itself pulled off just fine. Nothing fantastic, nothing disastrous.
Our biggest regret (at least mine) would definitely be being unable to hold CMB concert outdoors. Because of last year's experience, we were almost sure as to what we had to take note of, and what we wanted. We had a lot of cool ideas and venue choices. I was envisioning a logistically-wise very taxing, but a very enjoyable, relaxing and cool concert for the audience. We could see all the problems coming at us, but we knew there were definitely solutions to them. But hierachy rules above all. We were pretty dejected and disappointed, and I was on the verge of putting forth an argument. But hierachy is so. I thought I would be able to gain this invaluable experience, and be able to pass it on to the next generation. Well, I'm afraid not.
Just for the record, I sat in my first and last SCRC (Senior Common Room Committee) meeting. I was introduced, and I don't think I'm rememberd. Perfectly fine by me. It was a nice stay in the room, eating relatively good dinner, and listening to how all the committees reported to the SCRC and the concerns of them. Actually it wasn't anything very different from any other meeting.
Those were the three major events of the year, and actually I really really would have to thank Boss and Cyn for helping me along in my term. The countless times we popped by each other's rooms to settle things. The many times I started panicking over something and approached them for help. I mean, these were the only two people I could possible show my very raw panic to, because they rank higher than me and they know my concerns, and I'm very comfortable with showing them my real feelings when it came to matters like these.
其实走到最后，我发现做这种工作，对我来说重要的不是得到什么肯定或掌声（只要不被否定我就谢天谢地了），而是看到一切到最后顺利进行与完成。
Not to mention, I've grown so much through my term and I came to understand and learn about so much.
I know this might sound strange or even minor, but actually to me it matters. In the past, it felt weird for me to shake hands during introductions. Because past introductions were usually informal, the most you do is smile, wave and say hi. Now, I can say I'm more confident in recognizing people I've never met before in person through body language, and also in standing up, shaking hands with the correct strength, introducing myself with my organization and designation. It has become easier for me to stick out my hand first in a self-introduction with working partners I've only met for the first time.
You get shot. A lot. In fact, almost all the time. You get shot both top-down and bottom-up, because you are the organization sandwiched (not to mention from the outside too). Top-down usually doesn't come as harsh, but very often silent and fatal, because it can get almost non-negotiable. Well, it's top-down. Bottom-up can get harsher, especially when people run high on negative energy, and they pass it on. You can get angry, sad, bawl, cry, but ultimately, you still need to calm down, apologize, to get things going. I hate conflicts. I don't want any of us to have trouble facing each other in future. So I don't shoot back. But the good thing is that when the negativity comes in bulk at a go, it goes off as quickly as it comes.
You don't get the credit. Very much most of the time at least. When it goes on well, it's your job. If it goes wrong, it's your fault.
The more shit happens, the more you know how to handle the shit. I don't mean solving it. I mean learning how not to let off a shrill cry every time something screws up. So much happened that habituation set in. From the beginning, when I run around in circles panicking like a headless mouse everyday because something crops up, till the end, when I just look at each bomb that drops with little reaction. Instead, my head starts running, looking for ways to counter it.
As with any other organization with enough hierachy under student control comes the dark side. Sometimes one is inevitably implicated, but this is what I call a milder version of the real world out there. This is called preparation yeah.
I've learnt so much here. Really. Things that I would never have the chance to do again, things that I may never have the chance to learn. I stumble. I fall. I get frustrated. I get disappointed. I get irritated. I get irritable. In fact almost all the above happen at the same time. Things never go right; they always go wrong, in the ten million ways possible. But like people say, school is the place to make mistakes. In future, mistakes may not be that tolerated anymore, more so when it comes to my profession, where unrealistic expectations lie. Even in other professions, there are many that cannot afford to make mistakes, because that one mistake may lead to consequences unimaginable. (Okay that was quite dramatic. HA.)
All in all, everyone who knew it was my last year all stared at me with disbelief and asked, "So why are you still so active?!" Well, this is it. I didn't know if I would be doing my Honours, albeit knowing the chances were really slim. So, I stayed on and joined stuff like everyone else, just in case. If I had known that it was my last year, I would be like the typical graduating seniors and be absolutely phantom. I like to see things that are happening in my life as being carefully planned out by the one above, because many things start to be put in place after I wait for the answer. If I had known earlier, I would never have had such a fruitful time in my last year.
After 3 years of hall life, I've grown from someone afraid and unable to kill spiders to someone who spots one and calmly smashes it with a notepad. But cockroaches are still a big no-no. I've learnt/been introduced to the art of small talk, though not necessarily good at it. In fact I still suck at it.
Of course you get to experience for yourself some not-so-nice stuff and you see beyond that actually. At least Boss shares the same sentiments as me. People who deserve the credits don't always get it because they don't know the correct people. We don't like doing this small talk thing. But we all know it's what it's like out there. I take hall as a window to the functioning of what's outside. The good side, the bad side, the evil side, the dark side. The politics, the whatever. To me, it's so tiring to have to network. Frankly, I hate networking for the sake of networking because I feel so hypocritical doing so. But it brings me to one point that I've always been wondering about. If no one knows what you are doing, or what you have done, then is there a point in doing it?
Of course, you learn that knowing the correct relations does help. In hall, and in the outside world. That's how the world works; there's no use bawling over it. Everyone has been a victim in one way or another, including me. Not bothered, and I'm so not caring about it. Enough said. Some things don't really matter.
About the people
School friends? I'm lousy at making friends remember? The cohort is so big that you never even see half the people of the same major in the first two years because we're split into two big lecture groups. You can't even recognize people, let alone know them personally. It doesn't help that there's zero interaction between schoolmates during lectures and purely scholastic discussions during tutorials, if there're even tutorials in the first place (mostly mass tutorials in my major).
The only people I've come to interact a little more are my laboratory partners/group. No, not the fieldtrip ones. The lab ones only. We've come to be able to talk cock with one another, bitch together, and basically just talk nonsense to pass time, but nothing beyond that. Anything more was to discuss about lab reports...? The most memorable people I've come to meet in the labs would have to be my Physical Chemistry one. Many of us came from the same JC, though it's impossible that I would have met any of them since I was more than one batch senior than any of them. I even met one of them again during my recent attachment though he didn't remember me at first. I don't know how we managed but somehow somewhere the topic drifted from the most innocent JCs and CCAs to pretty much censored nonsense which was totally hilarious. We were simply bored out of our minds!
The relationship between my hallmates (or blockmates for the matter of fact, since I didn't do much interaction outside the block) and I was a mixed one. It's not that I wasn't close to them (or any of them), or that we didn't have conversations that reached more than skin-deep. But neither did these relationships exactly bloom. I think it's just me, because I see wonderful friendships among others.
In Year 1, I probably wasn't close to my neighbours at all. The ironic thing was that I was in fact the closest to Joey though we were living on two extreme ends of the level. I didn't know how it started, but I would walk over in a zombie state to her room to knock on her door for eons to wake her up, and also call Samson to wake him up for our 8am lectures. Poor Year 1s like us have 8am lectures almost everyday then.
In Year 2, I was a little closer with my direct neighbours. I find myself unable to articulate why I would say we were closer. It was not like I was totally integrated. It was not like we did much together. I think it was really little random things like day-to-day common complaints and bitchings that make me feel so. And probably because I stayed so much closer to my batch as compared to the previous year.
In Year 3, woah my position changed. My first time in short wing, and I was actually giving all sorts of advice and insider information as a senior, especially when two of the three freshies are my direct juniors. Gladly shared my lab reports with them. I think we spend half the time trying to wake Gloria up (in the evening) to no avail. She's worse than Joey when it comes to waking up. The few of us (Gloria, Many and I) sleep so late all the time (earliest around 3? Gloria doesn't even sleep at night) it's nice to see doors still open at that hour.
And the thing about these people is, they've probably seen the dressed up you and the chui-est you. There's not much to hide and not much way you can, and anyway there's no need to. Your bad habits, your dirtiness, your untidiness, your laziness, the way you talk while you eat, the way you hate organizing your table; no you can't hide ALL this from these people for so long because of the close proximity, well unless you keep your door closed all the time.
But there's something I'll definitely miss. Leaving the door open opens the opportunity of having someone randomly entering your room to talk. Randomly, I would go over to Jasmine's room with my laptop to play/bitch/gossip because she's so easy to talk to. Randomly, I went to Yee Haun's room to get his whole file of guitar scores to zap. Randomly, Joey and Mingli very sweetly came all the way to my end of the level to just talk to me. Randomly, Samson once hid in my room because we both wanted to escape from the MAF celebrations, so we locked ourselves in. Randomly, the whole lot of us popped into Lai Mun's room for fun. Randomly, Darius and Joey popped by and we started bitching. Randomly, Joy came in and we talked about random things. Randomly, I pop by Joey's room or vice versa so very often (since it's so near we just jump on each other's slippers to get into each other's room) and we talk about things for the entire night. Randomly, Terence popped by my room to talk to me about Neurobiology while waiting for Gloria. Randomly, Gloria came in and we sang Jay's songs together, and she randomly talked about her past relationships. Randomly, Zhen Lin stepped in to ask for help about translation or advice on Geyao stuff, or towards the end, just told me he misses me (which touched me a whole lot really). Randomly, Lee Loong would make some loud noise to scare me when he walks by my room (and he developed a habit of doing it because I ALWAYS get scared). Randomly, I sat in Liren's room looking at her drawings and giving her random advice on her designs. Randomly, our short wing people congregate and we start gossiping for hours, be it in the day or night. Other talks in my room or others might not be that random, but the freedom and convenience of being able to do so is something you get nowhere else. The privacy, the negligible distance, the way no one will stop you (by nagging mums and the likes of it) and the way you don't have to worry it being too late (because no time is too late in hall) make it all very conducive.
Now, do you understand what I mean when I say I'm not that close to many, but I'm not not close to them too? Having said that, the part I liked about hall is also that I had the liberty to leave my door open, so did I have the liberty to shut it when I wanted to, which probably explains the latter part of the previous sentence I guess. Hall never granted me friends like in the past. To put it in a practical yet sad way: it's probably great for networking. When something promising starts, it seems that I can't maintain it. Maybe I've lost the ability to do so; I don't know. Maybe it wasn't anything to begin with; maybe I was thinking too much. But mostly, I think it's just me.
But like Wen Jia told me before, even if you give me CAP 5.0 but make me stay at home, I also don't want. I agree with him. Really.
About the books
I guess I had better include this section, since these are my university days as a STUDENT afterall. Probably something noteworthy about my academics (and maybe the only thing apart from my lousy grades): I've never had a persentation except once in my entire university life, and that was for my Arts GEM module project. And it was impromptu. My first (and I hope, only) impromptu presentation. Miraculously I made absolute sense while talking. Somehow we made it through, and I am still not too sure how we did that.
Oh yes, another thing. I took to endorsing for 25 Hours watches. And my brains were working throughout. You never know what your body can take till you do it, I guess.
My best and worst modules happen to be in the same semester. I never studied so hard before till I was having physiological effects. No, it didn't help, I still scored like shit, because I still suck at it despite the mugging at the end. And never did I heck about a module to the point where I merely read through it twice before the examination and still scored really well for it. Some things in life are weird huh.
About the thinking
Have this conclusion that the older you are, the more you know, the less you understand. Many of my beliefs about friends and how to be a friend and what it means to be a friend have been challenged terribly. I question, I doubt, and it's not a bad thing afterall. If I were disillusioned, I guess I should clear it. If I had misconceptions, I guess I should correct them. New ideas throw me off balance, but they may not be wrong. I'm just trying to come to terms with that. I'm still struggling with a lot of that, trying to come up with some kind of mindset that I'm comfortable with. My thinking capacity has been stretched beyond the superficial, and as if a gazillion facts of the reality of life pushed down my throat (by myself) isn't enough huh.
什么算是泛泛之交？什么算是朋友？什么算是好朋友？好朋友是不是都会来了又走？那剩下的是什么？昨天谈心，明天只会说hi bye的算是什么？那些我以为会走，而真的走了的。那些我以为会留，而真的留下的。那些我以为会走，却留下的。那些我以为会留，却留不住的。那些我以为会留，看似留下的，却其实是变相走了的。
所以到最后，我应该珍惜的是哪些？我应该割舍的是哪些？我应该潇洒的是哪些？我应该庆幸的是哪些？
Is keeping a friendship alive the act of consciously keeping in touch? Or simply knowing that you have the ability to be in touch at any time? Or knowing that you can talk freely like before even after a million years of not seeing each other? Or knowing you can find and rely on each other for help when needed? Or being able to sit down and not make conversation and yet feel comfortable? Or actually not feel that comfortable but still remain seated next to each other because you somehow still want to?
Since several years back, I've refrained from using the term "keep in touch" when something is over and we say bye to one another. What does keeping in touch entail? Facebook? Msn? Handphone no.? Outings? How often? When we say bye, and we step on our own paths again, what is it that is similar or familiar that might pull us back together again? If there is nothing, is keeping in touch still applicable? Come to think of it, I have no idea how I've kept the friends that I've kept. So I've actually no idea how to keep those who are new.
So, am I trying to make myself better by redefining friendship, or does it make me feel worse that I have to do so to make myself feel better? When friends start to redefine what they mean by friendship, you have to redefine yours too, or you'll end up feeling disappointed. When you start having differing expectations of each other, things change, and adjustments need to be made before you feel comfortable with each other again.
And I know I probably got to give a new definition to friendship again when I step into society. Damn.
只要是人与人之间的相处，就会有摩擦，不管是多好多久的朋友也一样。对一个朋友的了解与宽容，可以有多深？对一个朋友，你可以气多久？当下，你可能很气心里想说：“以后再也不理你了！讨厌死你了！为什么你要这样对我！”但是最后，难道你不会想他怎样了？你不会担心？不会关心？认了吧，你很想和解。我们常笑小孩子幼稚，一吵架就会说：“i dun friend u anymore!”，却在五分钟后又玩在一起。说真的，大人也何尝不是如此？说穿了，大人只是自以为聪明，想太多的小孩子罢了。可能真正的朋友就可贵在此，气过就算了，有时连气过什么都不记得了。是人的都有脾气，也都有不如意的时候。大家都一样，能够将心比心，那也不就好了吗？怕就怕说了气话后，彼此都拉不下脸皮和解。不要因为一张不值钱的脸皮而失去谁，因为不值得。说对不起，不一定是认错，不一定是弱者，只是对彼此之间的不快乐表示歉意。好啦，就算是弱者又怎样？因为，赢了又如何？输了朋友更悲哀吧。
可能越老，想抓住的东西就越多，因为岁月是抓不住的东西，所以觉得友情是可以 overwrite 和 override 很多其他东西的，因为友情对我来说太重要了。朋友得来不易啊。所以，无论是什么，尝试把别人说的话都解读为好的（中伤的话另当别论）。你可能说我自欺欺人，但是这无非让人心里好过些。老了，不要太常和自己过不去，对健康不好，很容易心肌梗塞啦。
发生很多事，看到很多事。以前的我很喜欢往牛角里钻，搞得自己头很痛。现在，我只能说我看开了很多，又或者说是现实把我推到这里来。但是我还没有到那种随遇而安的境界，也不知道那种境界是好是坏。不想留的，虽然会心痛，但我不会强求，也不能强求，因为脚长在别人身上。我说过，有能力自己走的，就有能力自己回来。当我自己忍痛离开时，就是下了决定，也就不要说了。
还有，一些事情的发生让我了解到，很重要很重要的一点是：朋友之间，不一定要认同，但一定要接受。只有这样，友谊才能长存。
About the pigs
男人何其多，但就是有些东西是相似的。一些想法，一些行为，一些处理方式，一些问题，一些很难听但说得很美的话，一些看似很有道理但是没有道理的道理，甚至是一些明明就狗屁不通的哲理。我不是想批判，只是在说从女方的角度看到的情形。（说得公平些，可能女人对男人来说也是这样的。）
两性之间的差距永远存在，而人的正常反应就是了解对方。我只能说，至少我现在相信的是，了解很难，也不可能透彻，只能揣测。这些年来，听到的，看到的，经历的，让我更了解男人，也更了解其不了解，也就更不想结婚。
我甚至开始怀疑，最后结婚的对象（前提是要有婚可以结）是否会是自己最爱的那个。还是每个人心中都会住着一个曾经最爱最爱却没有在一起的，而且那个位置会一直保留在那？结婚当天，这个人的影子会否闪过，甚至轻轻掀起短暂的涟漪？还是因为现有的经历不够，才会如此短视？就好比以前以为永远再也无法爱上别人那样幼稚的想法。
无论是什么，现在的我对婚姻是持有保守态度的。我承认我怕，因为这个千千万万不能走错，而且走错似乎也没有很难。错了就完了，因为是一生的事。所以除非有哪个他能让我对此重拾信心，不然就这么算了吧。可能年纪大些，对爱情的定义改变，想法变得较为务实的时候，对婚姻的理解会改变，虽然我觉得变成那样会挺悲哀的。
不知道为什么，突然有一天有一个这样的觉悟：男人的红颜知己似乎都不会拿来当老婆的。那，你是宁可做他的红颜知己，还是希望做他的老婆？
可能你会觉得我想太多了，怎么一说就是婚姻，只是对我来说（或许我老了），爱情和婚姻是分不开的。玩玩的恋爱，无伤大雅的，玩过就算，好玩就算，只是我这个年龄已经不适宜这么做了。
拥有过的，闭上眼睛就能感受到。这是我的，谁也拿不走。可能这样，就够了。
About the end
The other day when I had to do to Paya Lebar to settle some business, I stepped out and felt familiar, even though I don't travel eastwards very often. I looked to the right and saw the post centre where Uncle Poh would let me get off sometimes after lessons. Further back I saw Eunos Industrial Estate, where I had my first hand experience in interacting with members of the public like that. On the left were low-rise industrial blocks where we went door to door, climbing the stairs when we couldn't find the lift. It was only when I set foot here that I realized I remember more than what I think I do.
It's amazing what others can remember too. Some things that you told someone which you think are so insignificant they shouldn't matter, but sometimes life springs surprises at you and a couple of years later you realized those things were remembered, and remembered clearly. Then sometimes I would get a little disappointed at myself when I in turn cannot remember what was told to me. I have a lousy memory, and it has a fixed space.
走到最后，我想起了徐志摩的《再别康桥》。文化造诣不深的我，不知道为什么一直很喜欢这段，也觉得这一段很像现在的我。 “悄悄的我走了，正如我悄悄的来。我挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩。”似乎没有谁为我留下些什么，我也似乎没能为谁留下些什么。
In the past years, probably one important thing I've learnt is about breaking rules. I don't think there's very much left in your life if you don't. Even if it ends up nasty, I guess this is the time of your life when you break rules.
I have crossed lines. And you've crossed them with me.
Thank you. Sorry. Love you.
好啦，在这里贴首五月天的歌词，与大家共勉之。
人生海海
有一天 我在想 我到底 算是個什麼東西
還是我 會不會 根本就不算東西
天天都漫無目的 偏偏又想要證明 真理
別人從屁股放屁 我卻每天每天的說要革命
就算是這個世界 把我拋棄 而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說 就讓它去 我知道潮落之後一定有潮起 有什麼了不起
常常我 豁出去 拼了命 走過卻沒有痕跡
可是我 從不怕 挖出我火熱的心
手上有一個硬幣 反面就決定放棄 嗝屁(革命)
但是啊在我心底 卻完完全全不想放棄
就算是這個世界 把我拋棄 而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說 就讓它去 我知道潮落之後一定有潮起 有什麼了不起
常常我 閉上眼睛 聽到了海的呼吸 是你
溫柔的藍色潮汐 告訴我沒有關係
就算真的這個世界 把我拋棄 而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說 就讓它去 我知道潮落之後一定有潮起 我不能忘記
無論是我的明天 要去哪裡 而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說 就讓他去 我知道潮落之後一定有潮起有什麼了不起
有什麼了不起
withers away @ 11:57 pm
很早以前，我就已经决定要回去。为什么会那么坚定，我也不知道。并不是有特别的人想再见，也不是因为好奇今年我们做了什么，但我就是想回去。
我真的以为我不会哭。我真的以为我能够像在大一一样，以旁观者的角度看着。我和往年一样参与：呐喊、拍手、随着表演者的舞步和音乐配合动作。
成绩揭晓，我也和往年一样，不分你我，围在一起，肩并着肩，等着。和往年一样，前面的那一排戴着白手套的黑衣人神情十分凝重。和往年一样，人们一个个开始眼眶泛红、决堤。和往年一样，大家根本不分男女不顾形相哭得好糟，鼻子好红。
从开始的开心，尽情呐喊，期盼到失望。情绪是有的，而且是很自然的，但我没有眼泪。
和往年一样，到草场集合，听着那一个个伤心欲绝的头领轮流说话。我转过头，看到猛拭眼泪鼻涕的怡雯。她抽泣着叫了我一声，让我心疼地把她拥入怀里。小不点的高度刚好，让她的头埋在我胸口。我什么也没说，我们什么都不必说，因为一切尽在不言中。然后，和往年一样，很自豪地唱了我们的anthem。和往年一样，引起别人好奇的目光。
情绪并没有波涛汹涌。我没有眼泪。
和往年一样，形成了我们传统的长长的tunnel，激励着也感谢着所有在这好几个月来辛苦付出的人。我看到很多陌生的面孔，也看到一张张我熟悉的脸，叫得出名字的，还有叫不出名字的。我的眼泪竟然在这一刻来了。我不知道那情绪从哪里冒出来，但是它始终还是自然而然的来了。
明年的我，还能再去，还会再去吗？